cant let go

cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/en-EUhourly82000-01-01T12:00+00:00cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/ab/11bdefeda1b12c233737dc50e6abf9_160x200.jpgsomething wrong with mehttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/09/27/something-wrong-with-me-4789129/2008-09-27T21:51:19+02:00 <p>I havent been to my blog for ages as I really think there is something wrong with me. I have just come back from 3 weeks in France, I have a beautiful 6 month grand daughter, loving husband and thoughtful son so why oh why cant I get on with my life? Practically every waking moment I am thinking about Steven and still cant say his name without welling up. I have tried soooooo hard but I find it impossible to accept that I have lost him. I dont tell anyone my thoughts because it is now 20 months, and it feels like yesterday. I know of other people who have lost loved ones and they seem to be able to get over their loss and get on with life so why cant I? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/09/27/something-wrong-with-me-4789129/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I havent been to my blog for ages as I really think there is something wrong with me. I have just come back from 3 weeks in France, I have a beautiful 6 month grand daughter, loving husband and thoughtful son so why oh why cant I get on with my life? Practically every waking moment I am thinking about Steven and still cant say his name without welling up. I have tried soooooo hard but I find it impossible to accept that I have lost him. I dont tell anyone my thoughts because it is now 20 months, and it feels like yesterday. I know of other people who have lost loved ones and they seem to be able to get over their loss and get on with life so why cant I?

]]>took a long timehttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/06/09/took-a-long-time-4294688/2008-06-09T22:08:34+02:00 <p><strong>Well christening went off without a hitch and Sophia behaved beautifully even when the priest nearly drowned her, I think she thought it was time for a bath. Luckily the weather stayed sunny and dry and the bbq was a great success, unfortunately we couldnt wet the babies head so to speak as we had a 3 hour drive back home, but made up for it after we had put the dogs away. I have been so busy with the poly tunnel, garden, decorating and curtain making I dont seem to have spent much time on my laptop.<br> I had the weirdest thing happen to me last week...I was out gardening where I talk to Steve quite a bit and I asked him if he could really really get it into my head that he was happy and back to how he was before his accident. As he knows from the past...I take a lot of convincing and only want to see my boys happy and well, and I tend to go on a bit until I am convinced...well a couple of days later the phone rang at 11.30.p.m. and 6 times after that at half hour intervals and also the next night at about the same time. When I answered there was no answer, and when I did redial the automated message told me that the number was not in service. This was the same number that came up on New Years morning and no one had an explanation for me then, but I was convinced that then it was Steve wishing us happy new year, and this time I KNOW it was Steve at long last convincing me that he is happy, and I feel truly blessed <img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"></strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/06/09/took-a-long-time-4294688/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Well christening went off without a hitch and Sophia behaved beautifully even when the priest nearly drowned her, I think she thought it was time for a bath. Luckily the weather stayed sunny and dry and the bbq was a great success, unfortunately we couldnt wet the babies head so to speak as we had a 3 hour drive back home, but made up for it after we had put the dogs away. I have been so busy with the poly tunnel, garden, decorating and curtain making I dont seem to have spent much time on my laptop.
I had the weirdest thing happen to me last week...I was out gardening where I talk to Steve quite a bit and I asked him if he could really really get it into my head that he was happy and back to how he was before his accident. As he knows from the past...I take a lot of convincing and only want to see my boys happy and well, and I tend to go on a bit until I am convinced...well a couple of days later the phone rang at 11.30.p.m. and 6 times after that at half hour intervals and also the next night at about the same time. When I answered there was no answer, and when I did redial the automated message told me that the number was not in service. This was the same number that came up on New Years morning and no one had an explanation for me then, but I was convinced that then it was Steve wishing us happy new year, and this time I KNOW it was Steve at long last convincing me that he is happy, and I feel truly blessed

]]>heartaches and happiness.http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/23/heartaches-and-happiness-4213906/2008-05-23T21:56:29+02:00 <p>Life is so unfair at times, take the other day when our neighbour dropped dead from a blood clot on the brain he was only 50 and was a health and safety course for Eircom. He was an englishman married to an irish lady and the funeral was so sad with several family members giving eulogies, he loved living at the end of our boreen...there are only five houses in one and a half miles, he loved nature and looking after his garden and we dont know what will happen now cause they didnt have any children and Marie is staying with her sister.<br> We are off to Sophia christening on Sunday and the weatherman says it will be a lovely day...it wants to be as there is a BBQ in the afternoon and evening, really looking forward to it.<br> Steven would have been 35 today and I really felt empty this morning, I still miss him like crazy but I know he will be with us on Sunday. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/23/heartaches-and-happiness-4213906/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Life is so unfair at times, take the other day when our neighbour dropped dead from a blood clot on the brain he was only 50 and was a health and safety course for Eircom. He was an englishman married to an irish lady and the funeral was so sad with several family members giving eulogies, he loved living at the end of our boreen...there are only five houses in one and a half miles, he loved nature and looking after his garden and we dont know what will happen now cause they didnt have any children and Marie is staying with her sister.
We are off to Sophia christening on Sunday and the weatherman says it will be a lovely day...it wants to be as there is a BBQ in the afternoon and evening, really looking forward to it.
Steven would have been 35 today and I really felt empty this morning, I still miss him like crazy but I know he will be with us on Sunday.

]]>spring fever or somethinghttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/12/spring-fever-or-something-4165665/2008-05-12T21:42:43+02:00 <p>At last we have finished the front room, it does look a lot better and feels so fresh and clean, the only trouble being it makes the rest of the cottage dingy, so it looks like we wont be putting the paintbrushes away yet. The trouble is while this weather is so lovely, I want to do the garden and what with looking after 28 dogs as well and the usual washing, cleaning, and other mundane things like cooking there doesnt seem to be enough hours in a day...if I could have my own private chef it would be heaven, I have always told my hubby that I should have been a millionairs plaything!!! Anyway tonight I am writing this while the colour on my hair takes hold, thats another thing...I seem to be going a bit grey so I suppose age is catching up with me. Sophia will be christened on the 25th. which will be a bit of craic and plenty of people there as her Mammy has 8 brothers and sisters just hope the weather stays fine as there is a BBQ afterwards. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/12/spring-fever-or-something-4165665/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>At last we have finished the front room, it does look a lot better and feels so fresh and clean, the only trouble being it makes the rest of the cottage dingy, so it looks like we wont be putting the paintbrushes away yet. The trouble is while this weather is so lovely, I want to do the garden and what with looking after 28 dogs as well and the usual washing, cleaning, and other mundane things like cooking there doesnt seem to be enough hours in a day...if I could have my own private chef it would be heaven, I have always told my hubby that I should have been a millionairs plaything!!! Anyway tonight I am writing this while the colour on my hair takes hold, thats another thing...I seem to be going a bit grey so I suppose age is catching up with me. Sophia will be christened on the 25th. which will be a bit of craic and plenty of people there as her Mammy has 8 brothers and sisters just hope the weather stays fine as there is a BBQ afterwards.

]]>two and two equal woteverhttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/09/two-and-two-equal-wotever-4153885/2008-05-09T21:53:01+02:00 <p>I have spent the last two weeks trying to sort out my sons accounts and at long last I have reached the end..I am well and truly knackered but it is such a stupid thing to say but I feel really achieved because I have actually made sense of them,worked out the v.a.t. and have final figures to give to the accountant. I used to love figure work and accounts but I havent done them in so long that so much has changed it took me longer than I imagined...and my son did say that he would never leave them so long in future...not if I have anything to do with it!!! Baby Sophia, mum and dad stayed a couple of days with us and everything was lovely, she is a little dote and it is such a shame they live so far away. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/05/09/two-and-two-equal-wotever-4153885/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I have spent the last two weeks trying to sort out my sons accounts and at long last I have reached the end..I am well and truly knackered but it is such a stupid thing to say but I feel really achieved because I have actually made sense of them,worked out the v.a.t. and have final figures to give to the accountant. I used to love figure work and accounts but I havent done them in so long that so much has changed it took me longer than I imagined...and my son did say that he would never leave them so long in future...not if I have anything to do with it!!! Baby Sophia, mum and dad stayed a couple of days with us and everything was lovely, she is a little dote and it is such a shame they live so far away.

]]>tryinghttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/04/13/trying-4040027/2008-04-13T21:37:16+02:00 <p>I have really been trying to get my act together and thought I was winning, but last night I went to the track with a couple of dogs and your man who I hadnt seen for quite some time started on about why didnt I email him any more and why didnt I send him a Christmas card and wasnt it about time I got back to being myself!!! I could have hit him, as I said I have really been trying but apparently not enough for some people. Its not as if I dwell on the subject of Steve, I involve myself in their conversation and laugh at their corny jokes, and that is why I have this blog, so I can air my thoughts for myself and get the frustration out of my system and dont seem to be wallowing in self pity to our aquaintances and friends...I just hope it starts working soon, I really want to just remember the good and funny times without reverting back to the sadness which I feel at the moment, as I said before how long does grieving last? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/04/13/trying-4040027/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I have really been trying to get my act together and thought I was winning, but last night I went to the track with a couple of dogs and your man who I hadnt seen for quite some time started on about why didnt I email him any more and why didnt I send him a Christmas card and wasnt it about time I got back to being myself!!! I could have hit him, as I said I have really been trying but apparently not enough for some people. Its not as if I dwell on the subject of Steve, I involve myself in their conversation and laugh at their corny jokes, and that is why I have this blog, so I can air my thoughts for myself and get the frustration out of my system and dont seem to be wallowing in self pity to our aquaintances and friends...I just hope it starts working soon, I really want to just remember the good and funny times without reverting back to the sadness which I feel at the moment, as I said before how long does grieving last?

]]>when?http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/04/13/when-4039022/2008-04-13T18:26:54+02:00 <p>I havent been at my blog for ages now or so it seems although I have been reading everyone elses. I have been so fed up and frustrated with myself that I dont want to write anything down, cause it just sounds as though I am wingeing and just cant get it together. Although life is very good to me and I should just get on with it, I am still finding it sooooooooo difficult getting over losing Steve and at least once a day have a good bawl...I've even got wet eyes while I am typing this and I just wonder how long does this bloody grieving take!! I have a beautiful new grand daughter and a wonderful husband and son, a lovely cottage in a beautiful part of Ireland, 23 lovely and devoted dogs.....so you see why I should be happy with my lot BUT I AM NOT, it seems so selfish but I cant help myself. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/04/13/when-4039022/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I havent been at my blog for ages now or so it seems although I have been reading everyone elses. I have been so fed up and frustrated with myself that I dont want to write anything down, cause it just sounds as though I am wingeing and just cant get it together. Although life is very good to me and I should just get on with it, I am still finding it sooooooooo difficult getting over losing Steve and at least once a day have a good bawl...I've even got wet eyes while I am typing this and I just wonder how long does this bloody grieving take!! I have a beautiful new grand daughter and a wonderful husband and son, a lovely cottage in a beautiful part of Ireland, 23 lovely and devoted dogs.....so you see why I should be happy with my lot BUT I AM NOT, it seems so selfish but I cant help myself.

]]>good newshttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/good-news-3940250/2008-03-25T22:52:44+01:00 <p>Although not quite out of the woods, Sophia was allowed to leave hospital, leaving Mum and Dad to keep up her antibiotics for the next week. The scan was fine, but did show she had a tube blockage thingy, and will have to have another scan in 6 weeks, where they put dye in her somehow and make sure she is weeing the right way. The worst thing is and keeps coming home to me is that Steven suffered with so many urinary tract infections and the mere thought of them sends my blood cold, and makes me think so much of him and what he went through. I thought time was supposed to be a healer but at the moment I cant stop thinking about him, I suppose this happens, I dont know!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/25/good-news-3940250/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Although not quite out of the woods, Sophia was allowed to leave hospital, leaving Mum and Dad to keep up her antibiotics for the next week. The scan was fine, but did show she had a tube blockage thingy, and will have to have another scan in 6 weeks, where they put dye in her somehow and make sure she is weeing the right way. The worst thing is and keeps coming home to me is that Steven suffered with so many urinary tract infections and the mere thought of them sends my blood cold, and makes me think so much of him and what he went through. I thought time was supposed to be a healer but at the moment I cant stop thinking about him, I suppose this happens, I dont know!

]]>Life's a bitchhttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/21/life-s-a-bitch-3917313/2008-03-21T22:44:47+01:00 <p>Why and how does a little mite contract a urinary infection at two weeks old? Sophia is now on a drip with antibiotics and her parents are in a right state praying she is going to be alright, the consultant will let them know tomorrow the results of the kidney scan. HOW THE HELL DOES IT TAKE TWO BLOODY DAYS TO GET THE RESULT OF A SCAN IN THIS DAY AND AGE. Yes, I am furious with the doctors, hospital, health service and whoever else is involved. I only wish I lived nearer to them for them to bend my earole, but at least they get on the phone several times a day to vent their frustration at the stupid and wicked system. Its times like this when I really wish we lived in France, at least they have a fantastic health service, and even though my Steve passed away in Belgium, the care and attention was second to none, and I know if he had been living here in Ireland, I would have lost him years ago. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/21/life-s-a-bitch-3917313/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Why and how does a little mite contract a urinary infection at two weeks old? Sophia is now on a drip with antibiotics and her parents are in a right state praying she is going to be alright, the consultant will let them know tomorrow the results of the kidney scan. HOW THE HELL DOES IT TAKE TWO BLOODY DAYS TO GET THE RESULT OF A SCAN IN THIS DAY AND AGE. Yes, I am furious with the doctors, hospital, health service and whoever else is involved. I only wish I lived nearer to them for them to bend my earole, but at least they get on the phone several times a day to vent their frustration at the stupid and wicked system. Its times like this when I really wish we lived in France, at least they have a fantastic health service, and even though my Steve passed away in Belgium, the care and attention was second to none, and I know if he had been living here in Ireland, I would have lost him years ago.

]]>getting therehttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/19/getting-there-3907344/2008-03-19T23:07:13+01:00 <p>I havent felt the need so much to put words to paper on a daily basis, although I am always thinking of Steve and having the odd chat to him when I am on my own, but as they say, time is a great healer and I am gradually coming to terms with him not actually being physically here.<br> Sophia arriving in the world 10 days ago really helped not only me but hubby and my other son also.<br> While on the subject of Sophia, I would like to thank all of you for your good wishes it means a lot.<br> Unfortunately we live 3 hours away from them and with 30 dogs to look after we cannot get to see them as often as we would like so you can imagine my email is getting choc a bloc with photos which will have to do for now.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/19/getting-there-3907344/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I havent felt the need so much to put words to paper on a daily basis, although I am always thinking of Steve and having the odd chat to him when I am on my own, but as they say, time is a great healer and I am gradually coming to terms with him not actually being physically here.
Sophia arriving in the world 10 days ago really helped not only me but hubby and my other son also.
While on the subject of Sophia, I would like to thank all of you for your good wishes it means a lot.
Unfortunately we live 3 hours away from them and with 30 dogs to look after we cannot get to see them as often as we would like so you can imagine my email is getting choc a bloc with photos which will have to do for now.

]]>welcomehttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/10/welcome-3852504/2008-03-10T22:46:51+01:00 <p>Sophia arrived a week early and she is georgous...well I would say that wouldn't I. Mum and Dad are over the moon and are so thankful everything went well. Mum is only a tiny thing and when she was pregnant she looked just like she had a large pimple, but Sophia is 7.1 lbs. and the pimple is gone!! Hubby and I went up to see them yesterday and just my luck she was asleep the whole time, I felt like rattling the cot but I think that would have been a bit obvious...I will have to wait.<br> Looks like we are in for a bad night tonight and we have had to batten down the hatches, seems we are getting the March winds and April showers all at once. I feel a bit sad for all my daffodils..there they were fluttering and dancing in the breeze one moment then flat on the deck the next.<br> Anyway nothing will make me feel too bad at the moment after the arrival of Sophia.<img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/10/welcome-3852504/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Sophia arrived a week early and she is georgous...well I would say that wouldn't I. Mum and Dad are over the moon and are so thankful everything went well. Mum is only a tiny thing and when she was pregnant she looked just like she had a large pimple, but Sophia is 7.1 lbs. and the pimple is gone!! Hubby and I went up to see them yesterday and just my luck she was asleep the whole time, I felt like rattling the cot but I think that would have been a bit obvious...I will have to wait.
Looks like we are in for a bad night tonight and we have had to batten down the hatches, seems we are getting the March winds and April showers all at once. I feel a bit sad for all my daffodils..there they were fluttering and dancing in the breeze one moment then flat on the deck the next.
Anyway nothing will make me feel too bad at the moment after the arrival of Sophia. :DD

:DD

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/02/cant-let-go-3807844/2008-03-02T22:43:47+01:00 <p>I really did have a good weekend, weather was great so got my pruning, weeding and general tidying up done, it makes me feel good being outside, we have no neighbours and live in the middle of nowhere so all I hear are the birds and it makes me feel good inside. We had two dogs running last night, a second and a first, neither were fancied so got a good price on them, I dont bet...only on our own dogs if we think they have a chance...got home and found I had won 5 euro on the lotto...It wont change my life but it was nice to actually win something....had a lovely card and flowers from my son who went from the humerous to the lovely words card...first time in 35 years, and it bought a tear to my eye. Then why oh why did I end up snivveling like a baby...maybe because for the last 36 years I have been Mum to two sons. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/03/02/cant-let-go-3807844/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I really did have a good weekend, weather was great so got my pruning, weeding and general tidying up done, it makes me feel good being outside, we have no neighbours and live in the middle of nowhere so all I hear are the birds and it makes me feel good inside. We had two dogs running last night, a second and a first, neither were fancied so got a good price on them, I dont bet...only on our own dogs if we think they have a chance...got home and found I had won 5 euro on the lotto...It wont change my life but it was nice to actually win something....had a lovely card and flowers from my son who went from the humerous to the lovely words card...first time in 35 years, and it bought a tear to my eye. Then why oh why did I end up snivveling like a baby...maybe because for the last 36 years I have been Mum to two sons.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/26/cant-let-go-3785670/2008-02-26T23:37:04+01:00 <p>not a lot been happening over here in the emerald isle, so have been making the most of the georgous weather and have been getting out in the garden, it really looks lovely in the spring with all the daffs and other spring bulbs out and all the rest of the shrubs and trees in full bud, I love the spring with the promise of new life and the surprise of all the bulbs that I planted in the autumn coming up all over the place cause I forget where I planted them. I also bought some more bird feeders and we have so many different types fighting over the fat balls, peanuts and seeds....I LOVE THE SPRING.<br> Hubby decided to redecorate and is in the middle of the sitting room, we havent had much time in the past because of all the dogs, but we are now down to 28 and find we have more time to do the things that have been put on hold for the last 10 years!!<br> Not long to go before the new edition...Paddys Day actually....same day as hubby which he is chuffed about.<br> Also been thinking about Steve more than usual... miss him like stink, and always will but often feel him around so have the odd chat....its easy while I am in the garden on my own otherwise if people see me they would probably think I had fallen out of my tree and on the verge of senility <img src="/img/smilies/icon_crazy.gif" alt=":crazy:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/26/cant-let-go-3785670/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>not a lot been happening over here in the emerald isle, so have been making the most of the georgous weather and have been getting out in the garden, it really looks lovely in the spring with all the daffs and other spring bulbs out and all the rest of the shrubs and trees in full bud, I love the spring with the promise of new life and the surprise of all the bulbs that I planted in the autumn coming up all over the place cause I forget where I planted them. I also bought some more bird feeders and we have so many different types fighting over the fat balls, peanuts and seeds....I LOVE THE SPRING.
Hubby decided to redecorate and is in the middle of the sitting room, we havent had much time in the past because of all the dogs, but we are now down to 28 and find we have more time to do the things that have been put on hold for the last 10 years!!
Not long to go before the new edition...Paddys Day actually....same day as hubby which he is chuffed about.
Also been thinking about Steve more than usual... miss him like stink, and always will but often feel him around so have the odd chat....its easy while I am in the garden on my own otherwise if people see me they would probably think I had fallen out of my tree and on the verge of senility :crazy:

:crazy:

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/cant_let_go~3747626/2008-02-19T00:00:43+01:00 <p>Had a lovely weekend with house guests for a few days, would have felt a bit guilty if I had said "Talk amongst yourselves, cause I am going on my computer" We all went out for a lovely meal, had two beautiful bouquets and of course chocs!! Went down to Dunmore East yesterday for a walk on the beach really did me a power of good and needed the company and small talk. My daughter in law went for her final scan today.....only four weeks to go....really looking forward to the day. She is so slightly built I just wonder where she is keeping it...I was the size of a house and my doctor told me I was built to have children...nice..<br> Just been through me email and had some really good ones, I have a friend in the U.K. who sends me so many funny ones, I wonder when she does any work...I never could get a job like that.<br> Hubby brought up the subject about moving to France again, trouble is 18 dogs would have to come too cause I couldnt leave them behind..have to see in a couple of years and would definately have to brush up on my francais<br> Lastly I would like to thank all of you for your kind birthday wishes I was touched by your thoughtfulness. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/19/cant_let_go~3747626/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Had a lovely weekend with house guests for a few days, would have felt a bit guilty if I had said "Talk amongst yourselves, cause I am going on my computer" We all went out for a lovely meal, had two beautiful bouquets and of course chocs!! Went down to Dunmore East yesterday for a walk on the beach really did me a power of good and needed the company and small talk. My daughter in law went for her final scan today.....only four weeks to go....really looking forward to the day. She is so slightly built I just wonder where she is keeping it...I was the size of a house and my doctor told me I was built to have children...nice..
Just been through me email and had some really good ones, I have a friend in the U.K. who sends me so many funny ones, I wonder when she does any work...I never could get a job like that.
Hubby brought up the subject about moving to France again, trouble is 18 dogs would have to come too cause I couldnt leave them behind..have to see in a couple of years and would definately have to brush up on my francais
Lastly I would like to thank all of you for your kind birthday wishes I was touched by your thoughtfulness.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/12/cant_let_go~3719166/2008-02-12T22:49:33+01:00 <p>At last, I have my body extension back....my computer....it suddenly decided to start doing some stupid things and decided to go on a go slow, and I mean slow...I couldnt download anything, but anyway my computer geek friend....and I mean that in the most nicest way...has fixed everything for me and we are again up and running. I not only get withdrawal symptoms from not being able to access email, type in my blog, but I get so afraid that my brain will start shrivelling if not being used to play literati so will have to make up for lost time....which will please my hubby. On a lighter note my house actually looks a lot cleaner as does the garden and I hadnt forgotten how to use my dyson!!! We had my son and his wife to stay for a couple of days and decided to go out for a meal where as usual I ate too much and suffered with indigestion through the night....I just dont have any will power when it comes to food...I always say that I will either have a starter and main course or main course and desert, but as per usual I end up having all three. Another 5 weeks and we will have our new grandchild...deep down I hope it is a little boy as they are going to have his middle name as Steven, and that makes me so happy. Its my birthday on Saturday and I wonder if Steve will remember like he did last year....I really really hope so. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/02/12/cant_let_go~3719166/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>At last, I have my body extension back....my computer....it suddenly decided to start doing some stupid things and decided to go on a go slow, and I mean slow...I couldnt download anything, but anyway my computer geek friend....and I mean that in the most nicest way...has fixed everything for me and we are again up and running. I not only get withdrawal symptoms from not being able to access email, type in my blog, but I get so afraid that my brain will start shrivelling if not being used to play literati so will have to make up for lost time....which will please my hubby. On a lighter note my house actually looks a lot cleaner as does the garden and I hadnt forgotten how to use my dyson!!! We had my son and his wife to stay for a couple of days and decided to go out for a meal where as usual I ate too much and suffered with indigestion through the night....I just dont have any will power when it comes to food...I always say that I will either have a starter and main course or main course and desert, but as per usual I end up having all three. Another 5 weeks and we will have our new grandchild...deep down I hope it is a little boy as they are going to have his middle name as Steven, and that makes me so happy. Its my birthday on Saturday and I wonder if Steve will remember like he did last year....I really really hope so.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/cant_let_go~3662076/2008-01-31T23:03:46+01:00 <p><strong>Strange as it sounds but the more phone calls I get from Steve, the more I feel happier and contented and know that he will always be with me. I will always want to give him a hug but that will have to wait until we are together again.<br> At least he is happy and trying his best to make me so. I shouldn't wallow in self pity when there are other people who really do need help and are far worse off than me.<br> I bought a couple of books by Sylvia Browne which give a good insight of life on the other side so I am off for an early night and a good read</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/31/cant_let_go~3662076/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Strange as it sounds but the more phone calls I get from Steve, the more I feel happier and contented and know that he will always be with me. I will always want to give him a hug but that will have to wait until we are together again.
At least he is happy and trying his best to make me so. I shouldn't wallow in self pity when there are other people who really do need help and are far worse off than me.
I bought a couple of books by Sylvia Browne which give a good insight of life on the other side so I am off for an early night and a good read

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/27/cant_let_go~3641516/2008-01-27T22:38:56+01:00 <p><strong>well I got through yesterday we toasted Steves life and talked about him and in our hearts we know he is happy and doing what he wants. I had some lovely emails and texts from friends....real friends that remembered and thanks Katie for your thoughts..it was so kind. It still seems like yesterday but I do know that we will get through this even though I still would love to give him a big hug!! It really felt like spring this weekend and I could escape to the garden for a long time where I am happy with my thoughts.<br> Hubby came up with an idea for the future...lets move to France!! Well we will wait and see<img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0"></strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/27/cant_let_go~3641516/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>well I got through yesterday we toasted Steves life and talked about him and in our hearts we know he is happy and doing what he wants. I had some lovely emails and texts from friends....real friends that remembered and thanks Katie for your thoughts..it was so kind. It still seems like yesterday but I do know that we will get through this even though I still would love to give him a big hug!! It really felt like spring this weekend and I could escape to the garden for a long time where I am happy with my thoughts.
Hubby came up with an idea for the future...lets move to France!! Well we will wait and see

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/cant_let_go~3598307/2008-01-18T22:54:31+01:00 <p>still got this bloody awful cough and cold but so has half of the village!! weird things keep occurring like....our alarm clock wakes us up with a musical rendition but the day before yesterday it went off 20 mins earlier with a beep beep beep and by passed the music, then yesterday it didnt go off at all much to the chagrin of the dogs who were all waiting for their brekkies, and had to wait a while before we actually did wake up, then it was back to normal this morning with the usual musical rendition....ODD!Although it is only a week to Steves anniversary.<br> I really did have a bad night last night I kept thinking of Steve....and I don't mean that is bad it is just that I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be all right...and then I thought of the wheelchair, spasms, catheters, tablets, pain, dialysis, and knew he was so much better where he is, as he was and can go where he likes when he likes just so long as every now and again he lets me know he is about.<br> I am an avid watcher of the sixth sense and just watching it gives me comfort so it must help the people Colin Fry connects. I have a friend who did go to the studio and her grandad came through which completely left her gob smacked. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/cant_let_go~3598307/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>still got this bloody awful cough and cold but so has half of the village!! weird things keep occurring like....our alarm clock wakes us up with a musical rendition but the day before yesterday it went off 20 mins earlier with a beep beep beep and by passed the music, then yesterday it didnt go off at all much to the chagrin of the dogs who were all waiting for their brekkies, and had to wait a while before we actually did wake up, then it was back to normal this morning with the usual musical rendition....ODD!Although it is only a week to Steves anniversary.
I really did have a bad night last night I kept thinking of Steve....and I don't mean that is bad it is just that I wanted to hug him and tell him that everything was going to be all right...and then I thought of the wheelchair, spasms, catheters, tablets, pain, dialysis, and knew he was so much better where he is, as he was and can go where he likes when he likes just so long as every now and again he lets me know he is about.
I am an avid watcher of the sixth sense and just watching it gives me comfort so it must help the people Colin Fry connects. I have a friend who did go to the studio and her grandad came through which completely left her gob smacked.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/cant_let_go~3586287/2008-01-16T17:05:33+01:00 <p>before a write anything in my blog I just want to thank you Katie so so much for your kind words and lovely thoughts. I really do have some wonderful memories to cherish and I know he is often about what with the phone calls, name on computer etc. He really loved to be here with the dogs where he could chill out, so we will have a toast to him on the 26th and he will probably join us.<br> Thanks again and I do enjoy your blog....you should write a book.<br> I am having to write this in my blog cause I am a bit thick when it comes to leaving comments in yours...I seem to be able to do it once and then my brain seems to dry up </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/cant_let_go~3586287/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>before a write anything in my blog I just want to thank you Katie so so much for your kind words and lovely thoughts. I really do have some wonderful memories to cherish and I know he is often about what with the phone calls, name on computer etc. He really loved to be here with the dogs where he could chill out, so we will have a toast to him on the 26th and he will probably join us.
Thanks again and I do enjoy your blog....you should write a book.
I am having to write this in my blog cause I am a bit thick when it comes to leaving comments in yours...I seem to be able to do it once and then my brain seems to dry up

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/cant_let_go~3581536/2008-01-15T18:14:03+01:00 <p>really feeling low not just the rotten cold I got from somebody but this time last year I was spending a week with Steve and although he was in hospital he was in good form....little did we know that he would only be with us for another 10 days...that week was so precious and I will always remember it with a lot of love. I know he is with me so much but its just not the same as being able to hug him.<img src="/img/smilies/icon_cry.gif" alt=":'(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/15/cant_let_go~3581536/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>really feeling low not just the rotten cold I got from somebody but this time last year I was spending a week with Steve and although he was in hospital he was in good form....little did we know that he would only be with us for another 10 days...that week was so precious and I will always remember it with a lot of love. I know he is with me so much but its just not the same as being able to hug him. :'(

:'(

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/09/cant_let_go~3553867/2008-01-09T23:10:50+01:00 <p>My computer is really playing up and seems to have a mind of its own, therefore I havent been able to write my daily blog for a couple of days, luckily I I havent had a lot to write about. My son arrived back from his long weekend in Frankfurt with presees...I love presees (Steve was always on the look out on ebay to send me presees...I miss him soooooooooo much) but something else happened the other evening...I was downloading some antispyware on to his laptop ( I have it now which still has his booting up music and his personel bits and pieces on) anyway I deviate...A form pop upped asking for user name and password...and already in the user name was BUGS...which was his nick name and what everyone called him. This spyware was not already installed so there you go!!!!!! I wait for an explantion.<br> I really do have an awful cold at the moment which really cheeses me off especially as I have my daily actimel and that is supposed to ward off germs Huh<br> Just heard we are in for some really stonking weather, last time that happened we lose all power and phones so we wait and see. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/09/cant_let_go~3553867/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>My computer is really playing up and seems to have a mind of its own, therefore I havent been able to write my daily blog for a couple of days, luckily I I havent had a lot to write about. My son arrived back from his long weekend in Frankfurt with presees...I love presees (Steve was always on the look out on ebay to send me presees...I miss him soooooooooo much) but something else happened the other evening...I was downloading some antispyware on to his laptop ( I have it now which still has his booting up music and his personel bits and pieces on) anyway I deviate...A form pop upped asking for user name and password...and already in the user name was BUGS...which was his nick name and what everyone called him. This spyware was not already installed so there you go!!!!!! I wait for an explantion.
I really do have an awful cold at the moment which really cheeses me off especially as I have my daily actimel and that is supposed to ward off germs Huh
Just heard we are in for some really stonking weather, last time that happened we lose all power and phones so we wait and see.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/04/cant_let_go~3530020/2008-01-04T23:16:31+01:00 <p>firstly...I know its been a couple of days, but I would like to thank rowtheboat for the very kind and 'sensible' words...you are right.<br> We had snow today which is very rare for this part of Ireland, it didnt last long but it was nice to see it especially where I live out in the sticks. I have an evening to myself which is nice, as I can slob out!! finishing up the chocs and nuts that were in a hamper that my son had made up, he works at the markets so he gets some really lovely and unusual goodies. I am really glad I started this blog as I was never one for keeping a diary and it does air my thoughts of the day and I can at least write about other things. Just had a phone call from hubby to say the dog won her race, which was a complete surprise but a very pleasant one. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/04/cant_let_go~3530020/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>firstly...I know its been a couple of days, but I would like to thank rowtheboat for the very kind and 'sensible' words...you are right.
We had snow today which is very rare for this part of Ireland, it didnt last long but it was nice to see it especially where I live out in the sticks. I have an evening to myself which is nice, as I can slob out!! finishing up the chocs and nuts that were in a hamper that my son had made up, he works at the markets so he gets some really lovely and unusual goodies. I am really glad I started this blog as I was never one for keeping a diary and it does air my thoughts of the day and I can at least write about other things. Just had a phone call from hubby to say the dog won her race, which was a complete surprise but a very pleasant one.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/03/cant_let_go~3525355/2008-01-03T23:00:13+01:00 <p>A very sad day today..one of our old timers broke his leg and had to be put to sleep, I hate to lose any dog but having one break a leg at 12 years old is awful, his name was Charly and we shall miss him. Although I love having all the dogs, it hurts like hell when one leaves us. We have quite a few oldies 12 years and up so we will have to be strong over the next couple of years, cause its going to be a crap time.<br> My son and his girlfriend are off for a long weekend in Frankfurt tomorrow(wish it were me) I have got to satisfy myself with buying a new cleaner!!!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/03/cant_let_go~3525355/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>A very sad day today..one of our old timers broke his leg and had to be put to sleep, I hate to lose any dog but having one break a leg at 12 years old is awful, his name was Charly and we shall miss him. Although I love having all the dogs, it hurts like hell when one leaves us. We have quite a few oldies 12 years and up so we will have to be strong over the next couple of years, cause its going to be a crap time.
My son and his girlfriend are off for a long weekend in Frankfurt tomorrow(wish it were me) I have got to satisfy myself with buying a new cleaner!!!!

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/02/cant_let_go~3520802/2008-01-02T22:53:54+01:00 <p>I feel better today thanks to some encouraging words from a friend and also to my own belief. I know I will get through this eventually but as the day of Steves anniversay draws nearer it will be a bit of a toughie....24 days and counting. But I have a grandchild due in March so I know things will turn out good and I have a lot to be thankful for. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/02/cant_let_go~3520802/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>I feel better today thanks to some encouraging words from a friend and also to my own belief. I know I will get through this eventually but as the day of Steves anniversay draws nearer it will be a bit of a toughie....24 days and counting. But I have a grandchild due in March so I know things will turn out good and I have a lot to be thankful for.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/01/cant_let_go~3516423/2008-01-01T23:11:51+01:00 <p>Well 2008 started in a very weird way. At 2.15.am. our phone went and when I answered there was no one there so just thought it was a wrong number as I didn't look at the screen to see what the number was. An hour later the phone goes again, picked up no one there...this time I look at screen but dont recognise the number, I try the recall but I get a taped message to say that the number is out of service, so I dial the number but get the same message. I then go back to bed and decide to see to things in the morning light. Later in day I try the number again but get same message, I then look to see if the prefix is anywhere in Ireland...the result being NO, it is neither a mobile number or a landline number. I then remember to try my voice mail which always gives the number of the last incoming call just in case it is a worldwide call and all the digits hadnt come up on the screen, but no.....there is no such number!!!!! As I said 2008 started in a very weird way. I am a firm believer in the after life and I truly believe it was Steve wishing us a Happy New Year which is what he did every year, and some people may think I am a sad case but the calls didnt make me cross because I had a broken nights sleep....on the contrary I was very very happy!! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2008/01/01/cant_let_go~3516423/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Well 2008 started in a very weird way. At 2.15.am. our phone went and when I answered there was no one there so just thought it was a wrong number as I didn't look at the screen to see what the number was. An hour later the phone goes again, picked up no one there...this time I look at screen but dont recognise the number, I try the recall but I get a taped message to say that the number is out of service, so I dial the number but get the same message. I then go back to bed and decide to see to things in the morning light. Later in day I try the number again but get same message, I then look to see if the prefix is anywhere in Ireland...the result being NO, it is neither a mobile number or a landline number. I then remember to try my voice mail which always gives the number of the last incoming call just in case it is a worldwide call and all the digits hadnt come up on the screen, but no.....there is no such number!!!!! As I said 2008 started in a very weird way. I am a firm believer in the after life and I truly believe it was Steve wishing us a Happy New Year which is what he did every year, and some people may think I am a sad case but the calls didnt make me cross because I had a broken nights sleep....on the contrary I was very very happy!!

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2007/12/31/cant_let_go~3512667/2007-12-31T23:14:57+01:00 <p>Its New Years Eve and the only place I want to be is here in front of the screen typing out my last thoughts for 2007. In my first post I just said that Steve left me at the beginning of the year but I will elaborate a bit more to say that 10 years ago at the age of 24 he had a freak accident....dived into a lake and the way he hit the water left him paralysed from the chest down. This really was the end of his 'life' but he came through it and we were so proud of what he achieved in his limited capacity. He was a whizz kid on the computer and still managed to keep his sense of humour. He was always in pain and over the years his body was getting weaker and weaker and eventually said enough was enough, he was a loving son and I miss him sooooooo much but I have some wonderful memories to cherish. BUT I cannot let him go, I think about him all the time and although I love my other son and husband very much, I cannot confide in them my thoughts that I can write down and feel better for doing so. We got 'Merry Christmas' cards from people who knew and I can't understand them sending them because the last thing I wanted was to be wished 'Merry Christmas'. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but I cant help it, so I am going to make a new year resolution to try and get on with my life and know that Steve would not want me to wallow. He is in a far better place with wonderful people and can go where and when he likes<br> I would like to thank Katie for your words they were a comfort and I cannot believe that you read my first post so quickly. I wish you health and happiness for 2008. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2007/12/31/cant_let_go~3512667/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>Its New Years Eve and the only place I want to be is here in front of the screen typing out my last thoughts for 2007. In my first post I just said that Steve left me at the beginning of the year but I will elaborate a bit more to say that 10 years ago at the age of 24 he had a freak accident....dived into a lake and the way he hit the water left him paralysed from the chest down. This really was the end of his 'life' but he came through it and we were so proud of what he achieved in his limited capacity. He was a whizz kid on the computer and still managed to keep his sense of humour. He was always in pain and over the years his body was getting weaker and weaker and eventually said enough was enough, he was a loving son and I miss him sooooooo much but I have some wonderful memories to cherish. BUT I cannot let him go, I think about him all the time and although I love my other son and husband very much, I cannot confide in them my thoughts that I can write down and feel better for doing so. We got 'Merry Christmas' cards from people who knew and I can't understand them sending them because the last thing I wanted was to be wished 'Merry Christmas'. I know I am feeling sorry for myself but I cant help it, so I am going to make a new year resolution to try and get on with my life and know that Steve would not want me to wallow. He is in a far better place with wonderful people and can go where and when he likes
I would like to thank Katie for your words they were a comfort and I cannot believe that you read my first post so quickly. I wish you health and happiness for 2008.

]]>cant let gohttp://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2007/12/31/cant_let_go~3509009/2007-12-31T00:08:19+01:00 <p>well, Christmas has been and gone and it must be the first time I have said that. It has been the first one since Steve passed away and I know it is going to be the first of many, but I really must try and move on. It will be almost a year now since he left, and although I know he is in a much better place....without that b....wheelchair I cannot get it into my thick head, that is why writing my daily thoughts might help, I really do get some relief from writing things down as I always seem to well up when I talk about what should have been. I can't seem to talk to my husband or my other son without sounding as if I am whinging...that is the feeling I get...although I may be wrong. I know life goes on and I really am trying to get on but it is so hard. I will have to see what happens tomorrow. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://dailythoughts.blog.co.uk/2007/12/31/cant_let_go~3509009/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>well, Christmas has been and gone and it must be the first time I have said that. It has been the first one since Steve passed away and I know it is going to be the first of many, but I really must try and move on. It will be almost a year now since he left, and although I know he is in a much better place....without that b....wheelchair I cannot get it into my thick head, that is why writing my daily thoughts might help, I really do get some relief from writing things down as I always seem to well up when I talk about what should have been. I can't seem to talk to my husband or my other son without sounding as if I am whinging...that is the feeling I get...although I may be wrong. I know life goes on and I really am trying to get on but it is so hard. I will have to see what happens tomorrow.

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