cant let go

I have really been trying to get my act together and thought I was winning, but last night I went to the track with a couple of dogs and your man who I hadnt seen for quite some time started on about why didnt I email him any more and why didnt I send him a Christmas card and wasnt it about time I got back to being myself!!! I could have hit him, as I said I have really been trying but apparently not enough for some people. Its not as if I dwell on the subject of Steve, I involve myself in their conversation and laugh at their corny jokes, and that is why I have this blog, so I can air my thoughts for myself and get the frustration out of my system and dont seem to be wallowing in self pity to our aquaintances and friends...I just hope it starts working soon, I really want to just remember the good and funny times without reverting back to the sadness which I feel at the moment, as I said before how long does grieving last?

I havent been at my blog for ages now or so it seems although I have been reading everyone elses. I have been so fed up and frustrated with myself that I dont want to write anything down, cause it just sounds as though I am wingeing and just cant get it together. Although life is very good to me and I should just get on with it, I am still finding it sooooooooo difficult getting over losing Steve and at least once a day have a good bawl...I've even got wet eyes while I am typing this and I just wonder how long does this bloody grieving take!! I have a beautiful new grand daughter and a wonderful husband and son, a lovely cottage in a beautiful part of Ireland, 23 lovely and devoted dogs.....so you see why I should be happy with my lot BUT I AM NOT, it seems so selfish but I cant help myself.