cant let go

I havent been to my blog for ages as I really think there is something wrong with me. I have just come back from 3 weeks in France, I have a beautiful 6 month grand daughter, loving husband and thoughtful son so why oh why cant I get on with my life? Practically every waking moment I am thinking about Steven and still cant say his name without welling up. I have tried soooooo hard but I find it impossible to accept that I have lost him. I dont tell anyone my thoughts because it is now 20 months, and it feels like yesterday. I know of other people who have lost loved ones and they seem to be able to get over their loss and get on with life so why cant I?

Well christening went off without a hitch and Sophia behaved beautifully even when the priest nearly drowned her, I think she thought it was time for a bath. Luckily the weather stayed sunny and dry and the bbq was a great success, unfortunately we couldnt wet the babies head so to speak as we had a 3 hour drive back home, but made up for it after we had put the dogs away. I have been so busy with the poly tunnel, garden, decorating and curtain making I dont seem to have spent much time on my laptop.
I had the weirdest thing happen to me last week...I was out gardening where I talk to Steve quite a bit and I asked him if he could really really get it into my head that he was happy and back to how he was before his accident. As he knows from the past...I take a lot of convincing and only want to see my boys happy and well, and I tend to go on a bit until I am convinced...well a couple of days later the phone rang at 11.30.p.m. and 6 times after that at half hour intervals and also the next night at about the same time. When I answered there was no answer, and when I did redial the automated message told me that the number was not in service. This was the same number that came up on New Years morning and no one had an explanation for me then, but I was convinced that then it was Steve wishing us happy new year, and this time I KNOW it was Steve at long last convincing me that he is happy, and I feel truly blessed

Life is so unfair at times, take the other day when our neighbour dropped dead from a blood clot on the brain he was only 50 and was a health and safety course for Eircom. He was an englishman married to an irish lady and the funeral was so sad with several family members giving eulogies, he loved living at the end of our boreen...there are only five houses in one and a half miles, he loved nature and looking after his garden and we dont know what will happen now cause they didnt have any children and Marie is staying with her sister.
We are off to Sophia christening on Sunday and the weatherman says it will be a lovely day...it wants to be as there is a BBQ in the afternoon and evening, really looking forward to it.
Steven would have been 35 today and I really felt empty this morning, I still miss him like crazy but I know he will be with us on Sunday.

At last we have finished the front room, it does look a lot better and feels so fresh and clean, the only trouble being it makes the rest of the cottage dingy, so it looks like we wont be putting the paintbrushes away yet. The trouble is while this weather is so lovely, I want to do the garden and what with looking after 28 dogs as well and the usual washing, cleaning, and other mundane things like cooking there doesnt seem to be enough hours in a day...if I could have my own private chef it would be heaven, I have always told my hubby that I should have been a millionairs plaything!!! Anyway tonight I am writing this while the colour on my hair takes hold, thats another thing...I seem to be going a bit grey so I suppose age is catching up with me. Sophia will be christened on the 25th. which will be a bit of craic and plenty of people there as her Mammy has 8 brothers and sisters just hope the weather stays fine as there is a BBQ afterwards.

I have spent the last two weeks trying to sort out my sons accounts and at long last I have reached the end..I am well and truly knackered but it is such a stupid thing to say but I feel really achieved because I have actually made sense of them,worked out the v.a.t. and have final figures to give to the accountant. I used to love figure work and accounts but I havent done them in so long that so much has changed it took me longer than I imagined...and my son did say that he would never leave them so long in future...not if I have anything to do with it!!! Baby Sophia, mum and dad stayed a couple of days with us and everything was lovely, she is a little dote and it is such a shame they live so far away.

I have really been trying to get my act together and thought I was winning, but last night I went to the track with a couple of dogs and your man who I hadnt seen for quite some time started on about why didnt I email him any more and why didnt I send him a Christmas card and wasnt it about time I got back to being myself!!! I could have hit him, as I said I have really been trying but apparently not enough for some people. Its not as if I dwell on the subject of Steve, I involve myself in their conversation and laugh at their corny jokes, and that is why I have this blog, so I can air my thoughts for myself and get the frustration out of my system and dont seem to be wallowing in self pity to our aquaintances and friends...I just hope it starts working soon, I really want to just remember the good and funny times without reverting back to the sadness which I feel at the moment, as I said before how long does grieving last?

I havent been at my blog for ages now or so it seems although I have been reading everyone elses. I have been so fed up and frustrated with myself that I dont want to write anything down, cause it just sounds as though I am wingeing and just cant get it together. Although life is very good to me and I should just get on with it, I am still finding it sooooooooo difficult getting over losing Steve and at least once a day have a good bawl...I've even got wet eyes while I am typing this and I just wonder how long does this bloody grieving take!! I have a beautiful new grand daughter and a wonderful husband and son, a lovely cottage in a beautiful part of Ireland, 23 lovely and devoted dogs.....so you see why I should be happy with my lot BUT I AM NOT, it seems so selfish but I cant help myself.

Although not quite out of the woods, Sophia was allowed to leave hospital, leaving Mum and Dad to keep up her antibiotics for the next week. The scan was fine, but did show she had a tube blockage thingy, and will have to have another scan in 6 weeks, where they put dye in her somehow and make sure she is weeing the right way. The worst thing is and keeps coming home to me is that Steven suffered with so many urinary tract infections and the mere thought of them sends my blood cold, and makes me think so much of him and what he went through. I thought time was supposed to be a healer but at the moment I cant stop thinking about him, I suppose this happens, I dont know!

Why and how does a little mite contract a urinary infection at two weeks old? Sophia is now on a drip with antibiotics and her parents are in a right state praying she is going to be alright, the consultant will let them know tomorrow the results of the kidney scan. HOW THE HELL DOES IT TAKE TWO BLOODY DAYS TO GET THE RESULT OF A SCAN IN THIS DAY AND AGE. Yes, I am furious with the doctors, hospital, health service and whoever else is involved. I only wish I lived nearer to them for them to bend my earole, but at least they get on the phone several times a day to vent their frustration at the stupid and wicked system. Its times like this when I really wish we lived in France, at least they have a fantastic health service, and even though my Steve passed away in Belgium, the care and attention was second to none, and I know if he had been living here in Ireland, I would have lost him years ago.

I havent felt the need so much to put words to paper on a daily basis, although I am always thinking of Steve and having the odd chat to him when I am on my own, but as they say, time is a great healer and I am gradually coming to terms with him not actually being physically here.
Sophia arriving in the world 10 days ago really helped not only me but hubby and my other son also.
While on the subject of Sophia, I would like to thank all of you for your good wishes it means a lot.
Unfortunately we live 3 hours away from them and with 30 dogs to look after we cannot get to see them as often as we would like so you can imagine my email is getting choc a bloc with photos which will have to do for now.